tears

I just got off the phone with Lil.

She has been feeling so emotionally up the last few times we've spoken that her fragile voice caught me a little off guard.

She tells me that her cancer is terminal this time....the doctor didn't want to use a number but told her it would be considered a stage 4.

~~that took my breath away~~

I can't imagine her tender heart right now. She's beat this nasty ole disease many other times. I'm certain she's never been told her diagnosis was terminal.

Our little conversation went back & forth between talking about the soup made by a sweet friend that I'll bring by tomorrow, to her feeling like "all these doctors appointments" aren't doing any good, to she wants to weed her yard today because it might rain tomorrow, to the fact that there is no cancer in Heaven.

Her sweet hubby was sitting right beside her. I tried to picture what his sweet facial expressions were ( yes, he has creases in his face from his perpetual smile). I've been in his position before.

I've sat there while the doctor explained to my loved one that the cancer had spread & was worse than they expected. I've sat there as my stage 4 loved one talked about trips we would take ( someday....) to where "all the papers" were kept.

I wonder if despite his full day of being Lil's primary caretaker & just the business of getting it all done, if he ever lets her see his tears fall.

I never did.

I'm not a crier.

I don't like to feel that whatever I'm dealing with is bigger than me....I much prefer the days when everything is in its place & as it should be.

But today as I sit here typing these words , the tears are falling.

I hate for her to feel ( even if its just today) that she is loosing hope.

I want her to continue to balance ( as hard as it is) between preparing for what may come however hanging on to hope~

that's all I have in me right now..........