my own version of the good girl & a giveaway

let me start out with two disclaimers.

#1. these images have nothing to do with today's post.

#2. i've sat here for an hour trying to figure out a cute way to start unpacking my thoughts

& how to share them with you

about my personal good girl.

i didn't come up with anything funny so i'll just let it roll from here.

in Grace for the Good Girl 

one of my favorite lines is the following:

"you are not responsible to have it all together.

you are free to respond to the One who holds all things in His hands".

while i know that in my mind

there have been many times in my life where knowing it in my heart

& then living it out

where almost impossible for me.

when gregg was sick

& definitely after he passed away

i needed to keep it all together.

all of it.

together.

what started out as a defense mechanism

ended up as an unrealistic goal for me to keep.

i knew everyone was watching how i was handing one of their own worst nightmares.

being a christian i felt the extra pressure to make sure

that my behavior , by no means, scared anyone away from the Lord.

i wanted to be ok.

that even when sad awful things happened to those who believed in Jesus,

it would still be ok.

apparently ok to me was the following~

my good girl.

let me introduce her to you & i hope we'll still be friends.

(i physically just felt my shoulders slump in shame as i begin)

my good girl is a fun vibrant balance of a christian.

she loves jesus

she sure is happy all the time.

yet also is real.

as long as real ends up coming back to happy.

she has a dynamic personal walk with the Lord

she does not violate the 10 commandments

she loves others. effortlessly.

& she looks good while keeping all those plates spinning

preferably in the current fashions.

yuck. right?

well, when i became a widow

i needed things to continue to be ok.

i needed to be ok.

i needed others to believe i was ok.

because the Lord truly was carrying me in His almighty right hand.

i felt Him like never before.

but i would not let anyone see my sadness.

my vulnerability.

my need.

& my fear. 

no way jose.

i didn't want to be sad. broken. needy.

good girls aren't needy. they're needed.

when anyone asked how i was doing

i usually figured they really didn't want to know.

or have the time to listen.

i knew they wanted me to be ok.

so , that's what they got.

"oh i'm fine. really. perfectly fine"

then when i'd hear the "i don't know how you do it"

while that frustrated me, as if i had a choice not to do it,

it validated that i, me, paige, was strong.

that i wasn't needy.

whew.

mission accomplished.

sadly

my "i'm fine. i got it." attitude was a lonely place.

all by myself. doing fine.

it gave the illusion that i didn't need anyone

& surely didn't need God.

ironically

He was giving me strength to mommy 3 babies

& keep my mind intact all along.

i totally high fived emily when i read the following~

"i have spent most of my life avoiding weak. 

i don't want to look weak, act weak, or even give the hint that i am capable of weakness.

but if you are feeling weak?  Well, now.

That's a different thing all together. I can tell you how weakness is the door

to strength and how Jesus calls us to a life of weakness so that he can be strong.

and i believe it. 

for you."

Christ chose the foolish things of the world to shame the strong. 1 cor. 1.27

sounds a little off to me, but what do i know?

clearly 

what i thought i knew

is wrong.

His grace is what's enough for me.

His grace is what i needed to help me when i had three in carseats

by myself

His grace is all i need when i sat alone and nursed my newborn

by myself

His grace was all i needed 

to let go

to let the sadness & the weight of the reality of death

wash over me.

i was afraid it would drown me.

yet

He promised me in isaiah 43.2
when you go through deep waters,

      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.

allowing myself to be weak

allowing myself to be seen

allowing myself the freedom to not have it all together

allows His strength & His grace to carry me.

which is how He planned it & wished it to be

all 

along.

we all have our personal good girl image in our mind.
the character traits that add up to be her.
in grace for the good girl, emily so tenderly and sweetly
will walk you through how to lay down that mask.
that mask that you hide behind
& take His hand
lean into His strength.
your good girl will still be there,
she just won't rule your thought life anymore.
i promise you'll feel better.
showing your beautiful, real face
not that old mask.


if you made it through this epic post,
i'd love to high five you
and then
give you an opportunity for me to send you a copy of this fantastic book.just leave me a comment
& i'll pick a random winner later this week.
xo