feel your fears & act anyway

(art by kelly rae)

the last several days i've been in a struggle.

you see, i have a stronghold in my life.

i know the verses

i know the truth

i know the quotes & the cliches

i've tried to lay it down

i have

sometimes i wonder if it will just always be this way for me...

dealing with the stronghold of fear.

when fear knocks at the door of my heart

it's like i can't help but let her in.

i don't invite her, or not intentionally anyway.

but when she comes, as much as i put on my game face

& spend time in truth

she still lurks around.

i don't like her

& i don't like myself when she takes up residence in my heart.

i wish i was stronger.

i think i used to be

i think i was brave

& strong

& competant

when i was younger.

maybe i lost that part of me after gregg died...i'm not sure.

but days like i've had this week

i wish i had her back,

the strong one back

not the fearful one.

i'm not a victim

& i don't want to act like one either.

but sometimes there are things that happen in my little world

that are stronger than i am.

or stronger than i feel anyway.

today it's just the fear of a what if.

it's the fear that comes when the letter reads "the doctor needs to see you again".

today the fear of the what if

feels stronger than i feel.

i shouldn't, we shouldn't , live by our feelings

but somedays that task is just a tough one.

i gave the kelly rae print, shown above, to savannah on the day she moved in to her college dorm.

a tough day for my heart

but a brand new exciting day for her.

i loved the line.."my wish for you is that you feel the full breath of possibility"...

i wanted her to know that the world was at her fingertips & everything was possible.

i ordered the card from kelly rae's shop. it came today.

& today i noticed the next line

"that you feel your fears & act anyway".

it's always easy to say something like that when i'm not fearful.

today i'm fearful

but i'm trying to act anyway.

today i'm trying to keep fear from consuming my heart.

i've spent sometime listening to chris tomlin's song, let faith arise.

while the entire song ministers to my heart,

i especially love the line

"his arms, a fortress for the weak...let faith arise".

today i'm leaning into His arms

because whether this what if stays a what if

or

it comes to fruition

my faith will arise

in a God who never leaves me

& has a plan for my life....

& yours too my friend.

~~~

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever
So let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes~~~

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